A few years ago I began to deliberately seek a wife and I
had to sit down and think about what I wanted in a wife. At the time I was
meeting with a guy for discipleship and we started to discuss qualities we
looked for in potential relationships. We decided to write these down and to
hold a copy of each other’s list for accountability purposes. The list doesn't
have physical characteristics but personality traits and values that are important
to me. I haven’t discussed the contents of the list with anyone but I have
talked about the idea of the list and I have gotten mixed feedback.
When you know, you
know. This is similar to the concept of The
One. I am a pretty open person, so even though I haven’t showed anyone the list
itself, I have talked to people about the list and have gotten mixed reviews. I
certainly side with the “pro-listers” but I do see some validity in what some
people have said against the list. I like the list because it’s a good heart
check. What I mean is that it is unbiased, if you begin to think that you might
be interested in a person, the list allows you to honestly evaluate a person’s
qualities and beliefs and see how they stack up against yours. Another benefit
that the list offers is that it can prevent you from getting caught up in the moment.” When you are
interested in a person and begin to think about whether or not this is someone
you could pursue, the list allows real reflection. Without something like it
there can be some rationalizing that makes the person seem like a better fit
then they truly are. I had my struggles with this. There was a girl I got
pretty close to, we would talk quite a bit and even hung out some. I was
interested in her and began spending a little more time with her. Nothing super
serious just something like going to Sonic after work. (After recess duty in Oklahoma
in June, you need some Sonic) She was physically attractive and a nice person
but when I finally sat down with the list I realized there were some things I
had been ignoring that I shouldn't have been and things went a different
direction after that. All that being said, I think the list is valuable and
useful but there are others that disagree. I have discussed the list primarily
with two women that I think very highly of. They are both older than me not
old, just older than me. They are both married and I have really appreciated
their advice and perspective. One of the ladies has expressed her concern with
the concept of the list. She fears it is too limiting and that at 22 and with
almost no dating experience that I couldn't know what would be a good match for
me. I understand where she is coming from and there certainly is some truth to
that, I just think that I can know some qualities that are important to me so I
feel like the list is important.
The list itself contains many qualities/characteristics that
I look for in a potential relationship. I won’t share everything but I will
mention a few that are the most important to me. The absolute Number 1 rule is
that she has to be the kind of girl I
want my son to bring home. If I can’t honestly say that I would want my son
to date/marry her then I shouldn't either. That’s the rule I have, there are
also some qualities I look for too.
Servant Hearted -Besides
a relationship with Christ, this is the most important quality to me, someone willing
to spend their time and energy for the good of someone else. And not just the
big stuff like helping somebody move on a Saturday. The small stuff is what’s
important to me, it shows her willingness to serve even when it won’t be rewarded
or applauded.
Active - I don’t
mean a marathon runner, I mean someone who likes to get out of the house and do
things. Road trips might be my favorite thing to do. You get to travel
someplace fun which is great in itself but you get to go with people that are important
to you and people you enjoy spending time with. But not just big trips, things
like going for a walk or some activity in town just to get out of the house.
Likes to Travel -
I understand, “there’s no place like home,” but the world is a big place with a
lot of things in it that I want to see. I want to share these experiences with someone;
in fact recent events have proven that I can’t do it by myself. I would love to
live/work abroad for an extended amount of time and a wife who does too is
important to me.
Gets Along With Other
Girls – This is twofold, first she needs to have other girls in her life
that she spends time with. I don’t know much about “girl talk” but I know that
there are things girls talk with each other about that they don’t talk to guys
about. And that’s great because there are times that I like to play basketball
with guys and spend time with them. The other part of this is that I don’t want
to be an old angry couple that never leaves the house. I need her to have
friends for us to do things with.
The last one I’ll share is that I want her to be…
A Joy to Be Around – This
may seem like an obvious one but I've seen others struggle with this so I wrote
it down. What I mean is that I don’t just want a wife I want a best friend.
Someone I can joke and have fun with. A girl I simply enjoy spending time with.
Honestly, being married is what I want most right now. I
turned down a wonderful job at a school in China a week ago because that would
guarantee at least two more years of being single. Although, as bad as the waiting
is now, I know my wife is going to be amazing and absolutely worth it.
