Dating - Purpose/Boundaries

“Well what kind of girl are you looking for?” I didn't date much in high school and I haven’t done much more in college. However, that doesn't mean I haven’t thought about dating, I've actually given quite a bit of thought to dating… and here is what I have come up with.

The first thing I thought of was ”Why?” Why do people date, what is the purpose? The letter of the law definition is that the act of dating is the process of seeking a spouse. In my case that’s a wife, for other’s that’s a husband but either way dating means finding a spouse. I don’t feel like that is often reflected in today’s dating world. It seems like there is quite a bit of social/casual dating occurring, if the purpose of the relationship is not seeking a spouse then only bad things can happen.

This led me to consider what dating should look like. I don’t know if I have mentioned this in an earlier post but I am a Christian and I want my dating life to be honoring and pleasing to God. I think that an important component of this is boundaries. When beginning any dating relationship the mentality should be that you are dating someone else’s wife. You’ll only marry one person but might date 20. Mathematically there is only a 5% chance you are going to marry the person you are dating. Inversely that means there is a 95% chance that the person you are dating is going to be someone else’s spouse. And you should treat them as such because you should hope that whoever is currently dating your future spouse will treat them well. This is why predetermined boundaries are important; they keep you from getting swept up in the moment and taking things too far. The time to setup boundaries is not late at night after a romantic date.

Early into my one official dating experience we wrote down some of the boundaries we thought would be beneficial to our relationship. We thought about them and wrote them down and got together to talk about them. There were three really important one’s that we agreed upon. The first was a simple one, a curfew; we both knew that there was no reason for us to be together after 11:00.  This also played a functional role, I usually get up early, so I get grouchy when I’m I stay up late.

The next boundary we discussed was physical. There were many issues areas to discuss but the first one we talked about was kissing. Unlike the males on The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) my goal in life is not to kiss as many girls as possible. It is something I want to save for my wife. Pre-marital sex is not even a discussion with me and even though this is primarily religious decision it does have a secular aspect as well. On my wedding day/night I’m not going to look at my wife and think, “Wow, I wish I would have slept with more girls.” I think most people would agree with that, I have simply extended that to kissing. This is similar to what I said earlier about dating someone else’s wife. I wouldn't want someone going too far physically with my future wife so I won’t do that to someone else’s future wife.

The final boundary we had was more functional than anything. We wouldn't be alone in a room together. Things can get out of hand and on thing leads to another… This was a worry that we simply avoided, it was easier to just say “never alone in a room” then to try and make exceptions or loopholes. In my limited dating experience I have found that I can get to know a girl just as well walking around a lake as I can sitting on a couch in one of our apartments.