What a Girl Wants

I was on my way to school one morning and on the radio was a woman who was telling her story about what was a big moment in her life. They were engaged and planning to get married in January. His Mom got injured and would be unable to travel and attend the wedding so they decided to postpone until May. She told the radio host that they had been saving themselves for marriage. He had been married before and had a child in that marriage but that she had never had sex.  She called the radio station to tell them that they had intended to wait until marriage to have sex but that due to the delay they were going to have sex now. The radio staff members initially said that it was cute that they had decided to wait. When they began discussing the matter of to wait or not, the bride-to-be told them that she felt it was unfair to expect her husband to wait another few months and she decided the following weekend they would get a hotel room. Some others may find their story cute and romantic but I felt like it reveals an interesting undertone of a woman's psyche. 

Some women feel indebted.

Its discouraging to think that this lady felt an obligation to satisfy her significant other. The boy was not on the phone so all i have is what the lady said but by the sound of it, she felt as if shed owed him something simply because he had agreed to date/marry her. And that if she didn't acquiesce then he had a right to be angry/upset. I can't imagine anything further from the truth. No man is simply entitled to a woman, and no woman is simply indebted to a man. A man needs to be deserving of a woman. I don't want to get specific into what that entails currently, but he needs to earn the affection and more importantly the respect of a woman before a relationship can go anywhere. At the end of the day no woman should feel like they owe a man anyway, every expression of affection should be earned never given out of obligation.

My other observation...

Some women have low expectations.

After hearing the lady's story about how they were waiting, the female host let out an "Awwww" and deemed the boy a "keeper." I know it was an off-the-cuff comment but I think there was some significance behind this statement. That's all a guy needs these days, to simply tolerate not having  sex until marriage. That seems like an extremely low bar to decide whether he is a "keeper" or not. (Side Note: I feel an air of responsibility for the single women in my life.) My biggest fear for them and any woman really is that they would settle for a "Good Guy" and not hold out until they get what they truly deserve. 

Cover Your Ears

"Kevin don't listen to this." I get this comment quite a bit and I've begun to ask myself "why?" Regardless of who I am around there seems to be this perceived immaturity about me. To be fair, I can act pretty goofy and do ridiculous things, however, it seems to get exaggerated in certain contexts and some of my decisions are seen as immature.

A specific example comes to mind from about 2 months ago. I was with a group of women and we were chit-chatting about movies, when someone mentioned a movie called, “The Vow.” They were talking about it and one of them asked me if I had seen it. I told them I had read the book but hadn't seen the movie. They asked me “why not” and I told them that it didn't look like a movie I should watch. They made some inquiries and I said that when I saw the preview the girl was shown in her underwear twice and it just didn't seem like a movie I needed to see. We began talking about this philosophy and told them that I generally look-up PG-13 and R movies before I go see them. (The IMDB app has a really good break down of different things you will see in the movie. It lists out acts of violence, the type and frequency of profanity, and the different sexual/sensual parts of the movie.) I don’t think any of the girls really processed that because we just moved on and talked about other things until the very end of the conversations when one of the ladies asked, “Do you really censor the movies you watch?” I said, “Usually” and we went on our way.

I don’t regret doing this and I still continue to do it. Honestly, the best check I have for movies is asking, “would I want my son to see this?” If the answer is “no,” then I probably shouldn't see it. That is primarily for sexually focused movies, it works a little differently with movies with violence. For example, with the movie “Lone Survivor,” (an absolutely fantastic movie) even though I wouldn't let an eight year old watch it doesn't mean I won’t watch it because there is a time when I would let him watch it. However with a movie like, “The Hangover” or “Don Jon” there won’t be a time when I would want him to see those movies.

I've gotten some different responses but they are all generally the same concept. “You're over-sensitive,” or “you take things too far.” That part doesn't bother me, it’s just what I do. My problem comes from how it manifests itself in other areas. I feel like people think I don’t see those movies because I can’t handle them and it leads to this assumption that I’m immature. And it sometimes gets exaggerated to extreme points, I usually make some sort of joke and then ignore it but it leaves me thinking, “you know I’m not a little kid.”

On a similar but slightly different note. When I move to Oklahoma City I’m going to be done with being the class clown. (I mean I’ll still be funny and adorable, just not as goofy.) I’m just kind of ready for a change.

Dating - The List

A few years ago I began to deliberately seek a wife and I had to sit down and think about what I wanted in a wife. At the time I was meeting with a guy for discipleship and we started to discuss qualities we looked for in potential relationships. We decided to write these down and to hold a copy of each other’s list for accountability purposes. The list doesn't have physical characteristics but personality traits and values that are important to me. I haven’t discussed the contents of the list with anyone but I have talked about the idea of the list and I have gotten mixed feedback.

When you know, you know. This is similar to the concept of The One. I am a pretty open person, so even though I haven’t showed anyone the list itself, I have talked to people about the list and have gotten mixed reviews. I certainly side with the “pro-listers” but I do see some validity in what some people have said against the list. I like the list because it’s a good heart check. What I mean is that it is unbiased, if you begin to think that you might be interested in a person, the list allows you to honestly evaluate a person’s qualities and beliefs and see how they stack up against yours. Another benefit that the list offers is that it can prevent you from getting caught up in the moment.” When you are interested in a person and begin to think about whether or not this is someone you could pursue, the list allows real reflection. Without something like it there can be some rationalizing that makes the person seem like a better fit then they truly are. I had my struggles with this. There was a girl I got pretty close to, we would talk quite a bit and even hung out some. I was interested in her and began spending a little more time with her. Nothing super serious just something like going to Sonic after work. (After recess duty in Oklahoma in June, you need some Sonic) She was physically attractive and a nice person but when I finally sat down with the list I realized there were some things I had been ignoring that I shouldn't have been and things went a different direction after that. All that being said, I think the list is valuable and useful but there are others that disagree. I have discussed the list primarily with two women that I think very highly of. They are both older than me not old, just older than me. They are both married and I have really appreciated their advice and perspective. One of the ladies has expressed her concern with the concept of the list. She fears it is too limiting and that at 22 and with almost no dating experience that I couldn't know what would be a good match for me. I understand where she is coming from and there certainly is some truth to that, I just think that I can know some qualities that are important to me so I feel like the list is important.

The list itself contains many qualities/characteristics that I look for in a potential relationship. I won’t share everything but I will mention a few that are the most important to me. The absolute Number 1 rule is that she has to be the kind of girl I want my son to bring home. If I can’t honestly say that I would want my son to date/marry her then I shouldn't either. That’s the rule I have, there are also some qualities I look for too.

Servant Hearted -Besides a relationship with Christ, this is the most important quality to me, someone willing to spend their time and energy for the good of someone else. And not just the big stuff like helping somebody move on a Saturday. The small stuff is what’s important to me, it shows her willingness to serve even when it won’t be rewarded or applauded.

Active - I don’t mean a marathon runner, I mean someone who likes to get out of the house and do things. Road trips might be my favorite thing to do. You get to travel someplace fun which is great in itself but you get to go with people that are important to you and people you enjoy spending time with. But not just big trips, things like going for a walk or some activity in town just to get out of the house.

Likes to Travel - I understand, “there’s no place like home,” but the world is a big place with a lot of things in it that I want to see. I want to share these experiences with someone; in fact recent events have proven that I can’t do it by myself. I would love to live/work abroad for an extended amount of time and a wife who does too is important to me.

Gets Along With Other Girls – This is twofold, first she needs to have other girls in her life that she spends time with. I don’t know much about “girl talk” but I know that there are things girls talk with each other about that they don’t talk to guys about. And that’s great because there are times that I like to play basketball with guys and spend time with them. The other part of this is that I don’t want to be an old angry couple that never leaves the house. I need her to have friends for us to do things with.

The last one I’ll share is that I want her to be…

A Joy to Be Around – This may seem like an obvious one but I've seen others struggle with this so I wrote it down. What I mean is that I don’t just want a wife I want a best friend. Someone I can joke and have fun with. A girl I simply enjoy spending time with.

Honestly, being married is what I want most right now. I turned down a wonderful job at a school in China a week ago because that would guarantee at least two more years of being single. Although, as bad as the waiting is now, I know my wife is going to be amazing and absolutely worth it. 

Dating - Purpose/Boundaries

“Well what kind of girl are you looking for?” I didn't date much in high school and I haven’t done much more in college. However, that doesn't mean I haven’t thought about dating, I've actually given quite a bit of thought to dating… and here is what I have come up with.

The first thing I thought of was ”Why?” Why do people date, what is the purpose? The letter of the law definition is that the act of dating is the process of seeking a spouse. In my case that’s a wife, for other’s that’s a husband but either way dating means finding a spouse. I don’t feel like that is often reflected in today’s dating world. It seems like there is quite a bit of social/casual dating occurring, if the purpose of the relationship is not seeking a spouse then only bad things can happen.

This led me to consider what dating should look like. I don’t know if I have mentioned this in an earlier post but I am a Christian and I want my dating life to be honoring and pleasing to God. I think that an important component of this is boundaries. When beginning any dating relationship the mentality should be that you are dating someone else’s wife. You’ll only marry one person but might date 20. Mathematically there is only a 5% chance you are going to marry the person you are dating. Inversely that means there is a 95% chance that the person you are dating is going to be someone else’s spouse. And you should treat them as such because you should hope that whoever is currently dating your future spouse will treat them well. This is why predetermined boundaries are important; they keep you from getting swept up in the moment and taking things too far. The time to setup boundaries is not late at night after a romantic date.

Early into my one official dating experience we wrote down some of the boundaries we thought would be beneficial to our relationship. We thought about them and wrote them down and got together to talk about them. There were three really important one’s that we agreed upon. The first was a simple one, a curfew; we both knew that there was no reason for us to be together after 11:00.  This also played a functional role, I usually get up early, so I get grouchy when I’m I stay up late.

The next boundary we discussed was physical. There were many issues areas to discuss but the first one we talked about was kissing. Unlike the males on The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) my goal in life is not to kiss as many girls as possible. It is something I want to save for my wife. Pre-marital sex is not even a discussion with me and even though this is primarily religious decision it does have a secular aspect as well. On my wedding day/night I’m not going to look at my wife and think, “Wow, I wish I would have slept with more girls.” I think most people would agree with that, I have simply extended that to kissing. This is similar to what I said earlier about dating someone else’s wife. I wouldn't want someone going too far physically with my future wife so I won’t do that to someone else’s future wife.

The final boundary we had was more functional than anything. We wouldn't be alone in a room together. Things can get out of hand and on thing leads to another… This was a worry that we simply avoided, it was easier to just say “never alone in a room” then to try and make exceptions or loopholes. In my limited dating experience I have found that I can get to know a girl just as well walking around a lake as I can sitting on a couch in one of our apartments.

Boys will be Boys...

“Oh, he’s just being a boy…” I think every guy has been talked about like this at some point in his life and I am no exception. My fear is that this can become an excuse. At a certain age this is a “cute” saying. (I’m a male so I can only use cute if I put it in quotations) An appropriate use of this phrase is in a middle school classroom and a thirteen year old burps during a lecture, this is far different from a collegiate professor saying, “My fiancé has a picture of a girl on a motorcycle in his garage, he’s just a guy and that’s what they do.” No lie, that happened in one of my classes last year and I was deeply troubled. The acceptance of this “boys will be boys” philosophy leads to two very sad consequences. First…

Low Standards: Allowing this mentality leads to having very low standards for what quality men look and act like. Being content with guys who “look but don’t touch” other women leads to an overall downgrade in the expectation of men.

Allows guys to “get away with things”: There is a slippery slope when we live under this paradigm. Boys tend to toe the line and see what they can “get away with” and one thing leads to another when the bar is set low.

These are just two things that cause the lowering of expectations of manhood in our society and there are two pieces of advice I would give to people…

Girls: Keep the bar set high for guys, don’t become content with mediocrity. There are quality men out there do not be afraid to wait a few years for one of them. A good standard for measurement would be “Would I like my son to turn out like him?” (More on this in a later post… The List) This is a good standard because your son is going too. Also, don’t get caught in the fantasy of “I can change him,” if a guy isn’t what you want to marry now then don’t think he will suddenly become it.

Boys: Set the bar high for yourselves. Don’t be content with the mediocrity that surrounds you whether in your life or in the media. Be willing to act like a man even when it might be awkward and more than anything, be the man you would want your son to be.

If not me...

I haven't told very many people this, but I want to work in the inner-city with a high poverty school. I never mention it, and only tell people if the expressly ask. I'm certainly not ashamed, it just seems like one of those things that it doesn’t matter if they know or not. Part of my hesitation to tell people stems from a surprising number of people who are against it. They seem to be under the impression that absolutely no good can come from it and that only terrible things will happen. Honestly, I have no idea what will happen when I go, I understand that it will be difficult and that it may not go well but that’s not a reason to prevent me from going. At some point in their explanation people seem to think that they have changed my mind and that I will be more “sensible,” but I remain firm on my stand because no one has ever given me a good answer to the question, “if not me, then who?” I know that sounds like a bumper sticker but I really think that. I have visited these schools and I have seen the hurt and the despair and I really have no idea what I can do but I certainly know that I can’t go to a happy suburban school when there are schools with a greater need somewhere else.

            This is far from bravery and certainly isn’t naïveté, my desire stems from a discontentment that I have when I see these schools and students hurting without anything to look forward to. I also know that there is a self-sacrifice aspect to this, I know that I will be living around poverty (with a teacher’s salary, I won’t be far from it myself) and seeing things my sheltered, middle-class eyes have never seen. There is another cost that I rarely mention; in fact I make jokes about it more than anything. That is the fact that I can’t get married yet. The places I want to go are hard enough to live in when you have the desire and drive to be there. It would be unbearable for a person who just went to follow her husband. I was looking at a school once and was looking up apartment prices for the place I wanted to live and the first thing that popped up was an article about two murders that had happened there the Christmas before. It’s fine for me to live there but that is not a place I could take a wife and certainly not a place I could ask a father to allow me take his daughter to. That really stinks because I do want to be married I just can’t right now.

I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m at the point where I have to go and try because I can’t bare the thought of waking up twenty years from now and wondering if I could have done more.

In-Laws

What's your first reaction when you hear the word "in-laws?" It seems as if most people see having to spend time with their spouse's parents as a hassle or an inconvenience, and this stereotype is certainly portrayed in nearly every TV show/movie produced these days. The common type's being that the wife's father can't stand the husband, and the husband's mother is disapproving of the wife, and this causes the couple to make distinct efforts to avoid spending time with the parent's. Which I think is a real shame.

I will preface my thoughts on this mindset by saying I am not married so I do not have any in-laws and perhaps my perception of in-laws will change when I am married but right now I think that is a terrible  attitude to have. The girl I marry is going to be wonderful and amazing and we could very possibly end up having a daughter and if this happens I would have no idea how to raise a daughter (I wouldn't know how to raise a son either but that's not the focus right now) and I would like to think that the first person I would turn to for help is the person that raised the wonderful and amazing woman that became my wife. I would be foolish not to learn from him and to be comfortable coming to him with concerns or ideas I would need a solid relationship with him first. If I can't sit in the room with the man and talk about basketball how can I call him at night and tell him my daughter had a nightmare and then ask him, how can I make her feel safe again? There has to be a foundation to build from so we could get to bigger things.

I understand that some women have issues with their parents that may have caused some strain on their relationship which would make it difficult for him and myself to have a relationship but I would still like to make an effort. I know there have to be boundaries but I want to be close to my father-in-law because I would want my son-in-law to be close to me.

Your in-laws are an example, sometimes they are examples of things to do and sometimes examples of things not to do, either way they are a learning opportunity, so don't waste it.