Dating - The List

A few years ago I began to deliberately seek a wife and I had to sit down and think about what I wanted in a wife. At the time I was meeting with a guy for discipleship and we started to discuss qualities we looked for in potential relationships. We decided to write these down and to hold a copy of each other’s list for accountability purposes. The list doesn't have physical characteristics but personality traits and values that are important to me. I haven’t discussed the contents of the list with anyone but I have talked about the idea of the list and I have gotten mixed feedback.

When you know, you know. This is similar to the concept of The One. I am a pretty open person, so even though I haven’t showed anyone the list itself, I have talked to people about the list and have gotten mixed reviews. I certainly side with the “pro-listers” but I do see some validity in what some people have said against the list. I like the list because it’s a good heart check. What I mean is that it is unbiased, if you begin to think that you might be interested in a person, the list allows you to honestly evaluate a person’s qualities and beliefs and see how they stack up against yours. Another benefit that the list offers is that it can prevent you from getting caught up in the moment.” When you are interested in a person and begin to think about whether or not this is someone you could pursue, the list allows real reflection. Without something like it there can be some rationalizing that makes the person seem like a better fit then they truly are. I had my struggles with this. There was a girl I got pretty close to, we would talk quite a bit and even hung out some. I was interested in her and began spending a little more time with her. Nothing super serious just something like going to Sonic after work. (After recess duty in Oklahoma in June, you need some Sonic) She was physically attractive and a nice person but when I finally sat down with the list I realized there were some things I had been ignoring that I shouldn't have been and things went a different direction after that. All that being said, I think the list is valuable and useful but there are others that disagree. I have discussed the list primarily with two women that I think very highly of. They are both older than me not old, just older than me. They are both married and I have really appreciated their advice and perspective. One of the ladies has expressed her concern with the concept of the list. She fears it is too limiting and that at 22 and with almost no dating experience that I couldn't know what would be a good match for me. I understand where she is coming from and there certainly is some truth to that, I just think that I can know some qualities that are important to me so I feel like the list is important.

The list itself contains many qualities/characteristics that I look for in a potential relationship. I won’t share everything but I will mention a few that are the most important to me. The absolute Number 1 rule is that she has to be the kind of girl I want my son to bring home. If I can’t honestly say that I would want my son to date/marry her then I shouldn't either. That’s the rule I have, there are also some qualities I look for too.

Servant Hearted -Besides a relationship with Christ, this is the most important quality to me, someone willing to spend their time and energy for the good of someone else. And not just the big stuff like helping somebody move on a Saturday. The small stuff is what’s important to me, it shows her willingness to serve even when it won’t be rewarded or applauded.

Active - I don’t mean a marathon runner, I mean someone who likes to get out of the house and do things. Road trips might be my favorite thing to do. You get to travel someplace fun which is great in itself but you get to go with people that are important to you and people you enjoy spending time with. But not just big trips, things like going for a walk or some activity in town just to get out of the house.

Likes to Travel - I understand, “there’s no place like home,” but the world is a big place with a lot of things in it that I want to see. I want to share these experiences with someone; in fact recent events have proven that I can’t do it by myself. I would love to live/work abroad for an extended amount of time and a wife who does too is important to me.

Gets Along With Other Girls – This is twofold, first she needs to have other girls in her life that she spends time with. I don’t know much about “girl talk” but I know that there are things girls talk with each other about that they don’t talk to guys about. And that’s great because there are times that I like to play basketball with guys and spend time with them. The other part of this is that I don’t want to be an old angry couple that never leaves the house. I need her to have friends for us to do things with.

The last one I’ll share is that I want her to be…

A Joy to Be Around – This may seem like an obvious one but I've seen others struggle with this so I wrote it down. What I mean is that I don’t just want a wife I want a best friend. Someone I can joke and have fun with. A girl I simply enjoy spending time with.

Honestly, being married is what I want most right now. I turned down a wonderful job at a school in China a week ago because that would guarantee at least two more years of being single. Although, as bad as the waiting is now, I know my wife is going to be amazing and absolutely worth it.